Guide To Surviving A Zombie Outbreak: Preparements

[Artifact123]

NOTE: This is not a serious guide, zombies don't exist, this is just a joke.


Always be prepared for a Zombie Outbreak, or you will regret you didn't. Useful things are:


Medicines-You don't want to get caught sick during the outbreak don't you?

Weapons-Flamethrowers, Chainsaws, Knife, Grenades, Magnums, Shotguns, Nail Guns, Fireworks, Axes, Baseball Batts and Some Extra Ammo for the firearms.

A Hammer-To break doors and windows, or zombies.

Canned Food-Or you will starve.

Bottled Water-Can also be used as a blunt object.

Extra Clothing-You'll need it.

Good Running Shoes-You'll have to run.

Deodorant-To hide the smell of blood around you.

Wooden planks-With a Nail Gun or with Nails and the Hammer you can block off a house with palnks.

Lighter-You might need to burn something. And when mixed with Deodorant you can make an improvised Flamethrower.

A Motorcycle-For a quick escape.

Body Armor-Optional.

[Fringe Pioneer]

I would love to see the faces on anyone following your guide as they realize, to their horror, that most of the cell towers stop functioning on account that the engineers and laborers necessary to keep the cell towers going have become zombies...

Simply put, cell phones aren't going to work for their intended purpose in post-apocalypse Earth. You could try cannibalizing the cellular phone to make something that doesn't require an artificial medium (e.g. cell towers, satellites, etc.), or you could pray to your unforgiving god that you have enough knowledgeable people in your caravan to bring a cell tower back up after fighting off the zombies that are likely to be surrounding it.

I would also like to see a plastic water bottle successfully used as a blunt weapon, let alone an effective one against zombies...

Oh, I almost forgot the faces of the people who attach batteries to leaf rakes. I can imagine it now...

Not-a-Zombie-X: Did you hook the battery to the metal rake yet?
NaZ-Y: Yes, I just did.
NaZ-X: Good, because here they come! Give me the rake, quick!

*NaZ-X prods the first zombie to approach with the rake. Nothing happens, except for the zombie getting annoyed.*

NaZ-X: Why isn't it working?
NaZ-Y: I dunno, I just connected both ends of the battery to the rake! Isn't that how you make a closed circuit?
NaZ-X: Of course - we didn't make a closed circuit! How could we be so stupid? Call for help while I hit the zombies with this water bottle!

*NaZ-X hits the horde of zombies, which had torn into his skin several times by now, with the office-sized water jug, which is a much safer bet than a personal water bottle. The zombie mob, apparently not hurt at all, continues to attack.*

NaZ-Y: Why do I keep getting the disconnect sound? Isn't the call going through?

*Zombie Feynman appears, courtesy of xkcd's comic about Mythbusters.*

ZF: You know, it doesn't take a Manhattan Project collaborator to know that you need cell towers for cell phones to work.

*Zombies attack, kill, mutilate, and "zombify" NaZ-X and NaZ-Y.*

[vaconcovat]

I applaud thee veers. You managed to flaw most aspects of his plan. And half of them i swear are from dead rising.

[~Memzak~]

I rate Veer's story is better than Artifacts guide... XD

[GloveParty]

XD Veers should make a guide. He seems like he knows about zombies. Why are the calls not going through, water jug, rake zap, all debunked XD.

[wofie]

This here is pure win.