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Post by ganondorfchampin on Sept 11, 2011 23:55:52 GMT
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Post by Fringe Pioneer on Sept 12, 2011 1:22:02 GMT
That was amazing.
Throughout the story, I had to imagine Viscera's "proper" voice in a manner similar to V in V for Vendetta, and wherever it said "kid" I mentally replaced it with the more formal "my son" (without knowing anyone's relationship), and I couldn't believe that Viscera would ever shout anything, let alone profanities, but instead say something slightly louder and significantly more sternly. There were also significant spelling errors, word duplications, and similar grammatical problems, but the content, flow, motif, and irony throughout was phenomenal.
If you work out those little barriers, you will have something worth publishing...
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Post by ganondorfchampin on Sept 12, 2011 2:09:38 GMT
Where your comments on Viscera's character just you interpretation of him and opinion, or where you grouping that with the little barriers?
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Post by Fringe Pioneer on Sept 12, 2011 4:47:33 GMT
It's just interpretation and opinion, not part of the barriers. It is, however, a highly recommended suggestion that I ask you consider, regardless of whether you decide to go through with those changes or not...
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Post by Anonymousperson5 on Sept 12, 2011 5:56:50 GMT
Nice conventions.
Apart from that I found it quite good, excepting the fact that I thought the foreshadowing about Viscera was pretty overdone. Good job though.
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Post by nmagain on Sept 12, 2011 10:34:34 GMT
good one!
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Post by Necrotising Fasciitis on Sept 12, 2011 20:06:23 GMT
"He examined her body and noticed there was a bullet hole through her left breast and the bed was soaked in her blood." I like. "But Thomas wasn’t dead yet, and in a final attempt to save himself he did something gory and drastic. He plunged his right middle finger right into the bullet hole and tore. Blood was flowing freely down his hand and Viscera gasped with the extreme pain." YUM.
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Post by ganondorfchampin on Sept 12, 2011 21:27:51 GMT
It's just interpretation and opinion, not part of the barriers. It is, however, a highly recommended suggestion that I ask you consider, regardless of whether you decide to go through with those changes or not... Part of the reason I made Viscera I little less formal than you would expect, and having him swear at one point, is because a lot of his dialogue is alluding to "Your'e gonna go far kid.", and a few of his lines are taken from the song. The other reason is because Thomas is his son, so his relationship with him is special and it foreshadows the reveal at the end. The parts where I had Viscera speaking in caps can be interpreted as either shouting or as talking sternly.
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Post by izacque on Sept 14, 2011 1:59:53 GMT
I strongly recommend that when someone shouts, you just tell the reader that. All Caps is weird in novel form.
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Post by ganondorfchampin on Sept 14, 2011 2:18:35 GMT
It's not quite in novel form, but I see your point.
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